A Not So StorySirius Catches Up
by Captain Compass
Summary: What might have happened instead of the Prisoner of Azkaban. A more resourceful Sirius. Almost a crackfic.


A Not So Story-Sirius Catches Up

The tide washed the naked scrawny person onto a rock-strewn beach somewhere along the border of Scotland and England. Sirius Black - escapee, Marauder, holder of the Hogwarts record for most Witches surprised in their showers, was cold, physically exhausted and mentally unbalanced. The cold stones of the beach were relatively warm after the frigid waters of the North Sea. Sirius crawled to a place out of the wind and promptly fell asleep. It was near the small town of Little Stinkington-Near-The-Swamp.

A passing Auror, one Frank Lee Boared, was patrolling his usual beat along the shoreline. He had spilled his tea (and crumpets) all over Minister Fudge last month before a public function and was now paying the price for his clumsiness. Frank eventually saw a body lying amongst the rocks during his patrol. It had happened occasionally, especially on the weekends. Sailors out to impress a 'lady friend' occasionally were stunned and left to sleep it off somewhere far from the pub they met at.

Frank drew his wand on the off chance the man wasn't dead or asleep. He was so intent on watching the body that his foot slipped on some wet moss and he went careening across and down the beachfront. Unfortunately he hit Sirius as the final stop in his trip down and woke him up. Fortunately for Sirius, the auror had hit his head a few times on the way down so he was totally unconscious when he intruded on the Marauder's sleep.

Sirius was not happy about being awaken so rudely but he tried to make the best of the situation. He took the aurors clothes and his wand. The clothes were a good enough fit but the shoes pinched a little. Sirius stunned the auror, bound him, applied a warming charm to his naked body and climbed up to the top of the beach.

As he held up the borrowed wand for the Knight bus, Sirius turned and cast one more spell on the unfortunate auror. Sirius applied a floating charm so that just in case the tide came in too far, the auror wouldn't drown. The floating charm took the appearance of an Italian Gondola and was charmed to sing German opera if it ever got wet.

Sirius, who had tucked his hair up under an official DMLE warder hat, calmly told Stan Shunpike that his destination was the Leaky Cauldron. Sirius even offered to buy a hot toddy for the busman with Boared's money but was graciously turned down. Once Sirius had got off the bus at the Leaky Cauldron he watched the Knight bus disappear. Calling out for a regular muggle taxi, Sirius threw the DMLE cap away and told the taxi driver to drive him to 10 Grimmauld Place.

Sirius felt bad about Obliviating the taxi driver once they had arrived at the street location but it couldn't be helped. The taxi driver woke up twenty minutes later with a memory of a blond lady of the evening paying her fare though slightly different means. The taxi driver whistled happily as he made his way to Kings Cross for what he hoped would be a regularly paying customer.

Entering the Unplottable 12 Grimmauld Place, Sirius Black had to endure the wrath of his mother who berated his existence with loud screams from a portrait hung prominently in a place of honor. Sirius covered his ears to protect them from the loud insults against him. He smiled however as he thought of a solution. Placing a bubble-headed charm over the portrait, the voice of Walburga Black was severely muffled. Waving his borrowed wand Sirius conjured up a small dish filled with pinkish sticks. Putting half a dozen bubblegum sticks in his mouth, Sirius chewed the mouthful up for a minute or two until it became soft and malleable. He brought the gooey substance out of his mouth and banished the charm around the picture. Before his dead mother could open her mouth again, Sirius placed the bubblegum over her mouth and applied a permanent sticking charm to it.

With only a muffled "wmmmph" coming from the portrait, Sirius climbed the stairs to visit the bedrooms his brother and he had on the second floor. Once there he discarded the aurors clothes and found some that fit over his lean frame. There were a few blisters on his feet so Sirius healed them and went to loot the rest of the house. First was the family vault that no one had thought to change the combination to. Sirius loaded up a bottomless bag with a number of galleons.

There were a number of books in the library and potions left down in the dungeon that Sirius used to complete his recovery from the years of prison. He was about to lie down to sleep in the front living room when the sole living occupant of the house finally decided to confront him.

"Kreacher does not like that muggle-loving Sirius Black has returned. My mistress would hate that you be in charge here."

"Frankly you creepy hateful house elf I don't care what you think. You can go hang yourself."

Sirius was surprised the house elf immediately disappeared but was happy to take a small kip. Refreshed a bit Sirius Black put his plan into operation. He found a small surprise as he wandered through the house later. Kreacher had listened to his new master's words and had hanged himself over the portrait over his beloved mistress and was dead.

"Darn, and I wanted a sandwich" Sirius said. There hadn't been any food in the house anyway. Sirius thought about his situation and took an Invigorating potion and drank it before he stepped out of the back door of 12 Grimmauld Place and apparated to Hogsmeade. He took another potion there before heading for his breakfast.

There was a variation of a Polyjuice potion that just changed ones facial appearance, so Rosamerta never knew she had fed the infamous Sirius Black a very hearty breakfast. Sirius tipped her generously and made his roundabout way to the Shrieking Shack to await the passing of the day.

Cornelius Fudge had been notified at daybreak that the mad dangerous criminal Sirius Black had escaped from Azkaban. Panicking at the thought that Black would come looking for him, the Minister of Magic summoned Dumbledore to his office. While the two men tried to formulate a strategy, Sirius was having peaceful dreams only a stone's throw away from the walls of Hogwarts School.

Dumbledore was concerned about the whereabouts and safety of Harry Potter so he went to 4 Privet Drive. He was shocked to find that both Vernon Dursley and his son Dudley were beating and kicking the Boy-Who-Lived when he arrived.

A bruised and beaten Harry saw a rare display of temper from Headmaster Dumbledore. Dudley Dursley was turned completely into a pig and his Uncle Vernon was turned into a jackass. When Petunia came out to complain about the livestock wrecking her immaculate backyard, Dumbledore transfigured her to a statue of a horse with a lantern in her mouth and placed her on the Dursley's front porch. Dumbledore sent a letter to the Aurors to quickly ("in a week or two") to take care of some accidental magic.

Carefully picking up Harry, Dumbledore apparated to the Hogwarts nursery and turned the injured boy over to Madame Pomfrey. He then went to his office and notified the staff of both the escape and Harry's condition. The day passed peacefully in Hogwarts while Harry slept his injuries away and Dumbledore turned his attention to the sorting feast menu.

The Minister of Magic had decided on a course of action that would insure his place as a guardian of magical England. Totally on his own he decided to have the Dementors join in the search and to apply the kiss of death to Sirius Black or any of his enemies that might shelter him. The Minister then left England on a quick inspection of the properties he held in the Grand Cayman islands.

The minister incomplete and uncertain directions confused the Dementors but they quickly fell to with a relish. Knowing the true soul of Sirius Black before they left Azkaban prison, the Dementors applied the kiss of death to his enemies - Bellatrix Lestrange, Barty Crouch Jr., Antonin Dolohov, Rabastan Lestrange and a dozen other Death Eaters that were unfortunate enough to have been captured and imprisoned on the island.

Auror Boared eventually came awake but was tied into a Venetian gondola. He was floating at sea when saw the Dementors pass over his floating position and head inland. He passed out from the terror involved in the flyover and awoke three days later on a Finnish fishing trawler that was heading to the Icelandic Shoals searching for butterfly shrimp. It was eight months before Auror Frank Lee Boared returned to England. He was promptly arrested and imprisoned for insurance fraud.

Meanwhile back at the Shrieking Shack, Sirius's hunger drove him awake. Waiting until nightfall, Sirius let himself into Honeydukes and went through the secret passageway to Hogwarts itself. He "borrowed" plenty of candy with him on the odd chance that he could meet and bribe his godson Harry and tell him the whole truth.

But first he needed a place to hide. He went to the kitchens to get a snack and found out from the house elves there that Dumbledore and all the staff (save Filch and Mrs. Norris) had gone to the Hog's Head for an emergency meeting of the Order of the Phoenix and the All-You-Can-Eat-Haggis night that Aberforth held every week. Madame Pomfrey was especially fond of haggis so she went along with everyone else. Leaving only Hedwig to look after a tired but healing Harry Potter.

A big dark shaggy dog worked his way into the infirmary and sat by the bed of the only patient. He sniffed the sleeping boy once or twice but he started licking his hand and face.

Harry was surprised to find a huge dog at his bedside but the canine seemed friendly enough. Harry scratched the dog's head and back but made a face when the dog started licking his face. "Eww, you must have eaten something disgusting before you came here, didn't you?"

Harry laughed when the dog bobbed his head up and down as if understanding. He reached for the wand under his pillow and got a good hold of the dog's neck. The next time the canine turned his head the right way, Harry stuck his wand in the dog's mouth and muttered a small "Scourgify".

The dog drew back coughing and hacking and Harry was a little concerned when the dog began having dry heaves. Harry didn't want to have to get up to clean up any possible mess and floated the dog over to the next bed. Sirius had completely lost control of himself because of the cleansing spell and transformed back to his human form.

Harry broke up laughing at the sight of the coughing slim man. He had tears running from his eyes because he was laughing so much. Sirius finally managed to get off of the bed and pointed his wand at Harry. Harry looked at the still shaking man and broke out laughing all over again.

Sirius finally saw the humor and began laughing himself. He sat down at Harry's side and roughed up his hair a little.

"I'm sorry whoever you are" Harry said. "If you had just walked in here and introduced yourself, I wouldn't have spelled you like that."

"My fault then Harry. I meant to introduce myself slowly. I didn't want to scare you."

"Fat chance of that now. You know my name. What's yours?"

"You can call me Padfoot for now. I was a good friend of your parents."

"Really, can you tell me about them?"

For the next couple of hours, Padfoot told Harry Potter everything he knew about his father James and his mother Lily. They might have continued all night but they heard the returning Hogwarts staff. The meeting had gone long and there's nothing like washing down a bit of Haggis with a good bit of ale. (Actually the more ale you have, the better the Haggis tastes.)

Padfoot told Harry to keep his secret as he transformed back to a dog and hid under Harry's cot. And it was just in time too. Madame Pomfrey and Professor Snape came wobbling through the infirmary doors, holding each other up and singing a bawdy song about three ladies and a circus midget. Harry blushingly covered up his head and pretended to be asleep.

Snape escorted Madame Pomfrey to her office and she kissed his cheek before Snape wobbled back to his own office. Snape was totally unaware that he was being followed by an animagus and would have upset that he didn't close his front door all the way when he arrived. Snape fell asleep across his bed just as Sirius transformed himself back to normal.

"This is too good an opportunity to not take advantage of." Sirius had some fun in Snape's quarters for an hour before he returned to keep Harry company. Sirius spent the rest of the night under Harry's cot and Harry fed some of his breakfast to the dog quietly.

Snape woke up with a severe hangover but didn't recognize his own quarters. They had been transformed into something that almost made Snape want to throw up. His dark somber wallpaper had been changed into Care Bears and Rainbows. He reached for his wand but could not find it anywhere. Snape reached for a potion that was labeled 'Hangover Cure' to try to make some sense of the current nightmare he was living in. He downed it before he realized the taste and spell were of something totally different. Snape spent most of the rest of the day trying to stay near a bathroom and the effects of the Regurgitative Potion he had accidentally downed.

Meanwhile the Dementors were spreading across England in the search for Sirius Black and his enemies. The Dementors paired off in two and three and reports began coming in to the Ministry that people were being kissed and coming up missing. Insurance agents, used car salesmen and underwater tuba players seemed to be the primary muggle targets of the Dementors. The missing muggles were all later found in a girl's gymnasium on the Isle of Mann playing hopscotch.

Magical people were just getting up when they read the triple bad news in the Daily Prophet. Harry Potter had been beaten up, Sirius Black was loose and the cookie recipe that had been in the previous papers food section had neglected to include molasses.

The Minister's Directive that the Dementors were hunting out guilty parties was put on page five under the Quidditch scores. It was not a surprise however that the sons and daughters of some pureblood families were given portkeys to get to Kings' Cross and the Hogwarts express that morning. Death Eaters and accountants were hiding in their basements, wary of the guilty party's phrase.

The train ride to Hogwarts by the incoming students was its usual joyful reunion/ scare session. Draco Malfoy quickly found out that if he picked on someone else other than Harry Potter, he was stuffed into his own trunk. And then the trunk was thrown off the Express. Draco Malfoy was later found hiding in a farmer's privy from what he swore were Rabid and Vampiric Sheep. There was a pair of Dementors that did try to search the Hogwarts express. Both fared 'badly'. One tried to board the train just as they were entering a tunnel; it was squashed flat against the concrete casing and didn't wake up till three days later.

The other Dementor had the unfortunate luck to board the car that the Weasley twins were riding in. Fred was just demonstrating some of their latest jokes to their friend Lee Jordan when the vile creature floated through the door. Fred was surprised and dropped the portable clean-up drain he was showing off. The Dementor's cloak was sucked into it and the prison guard was rapidly vacuumed off the train to reappear in New Jersey. He became a health inspector there and no one was the wiser.

The newly arriving students were greeted and put into houses by the Sorting Hat and everyone enjoyed the incoming feast. Except for Professor Snape; he was curiously absent; Dumbledore put it down to an overwhelming hangover and just thought that the man ought to know better.

Harry's friends were told by Professor McGonagall that he was in the infirmary and they got permission to go see him after the feast. Ron and Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom made their way to the Medical wing. They couldn't believe their eyes when they got there.

The missing Potions Professor was being restrained by Madame Pomfrey from attacking Harry. Harry was curled up on his bed and his friends originally thought he had been hexed. As they got closer they saw that Harry was actually trying to stop laughing. It was Professor Snape appearance that Harry couldn't control himself over.

The lanky shoulder length greasy hair that Snape habitually had was up in large bright pink curlers. His face was covered in talcum powder and his usual black robes and cape were replaced by powder blue My Little Pony pajamas.

"I know you did this Potter. I'll have your wand broken for this. You'll be expelled. I'll…I'll.. " Words failed the man and he slumped back down on a nearby cot just as Dumbledore and Madame Bones entered the room.

Madame Bones had come to warn Dumbledore and Mr. Potter about the approaching Dementors and Black. Harry had finally quit laughing up at that time and waved to his friends. Everyone clustered up around the bed while the adults tried to remove the hexes from Snape.

Under the bed Padfoot was waking up. He saw the feet around the bed and listened to Harry's friends talk to him. He also caught the scent of somebody vile and peeked out from underneath the cot just as Scabbers looked out of Ron Weasley's pocket.

The large dog that looked like a grim jumped out from under the bed and growled in the face of Scabbers. Ron Weasley unfortunately took the growl as meant for him and jumped backwards, sprawling over the next cot. Scabbers was launched out of Ron's pocket and Padfoot went scrambling after him. A merry chase around the infirmary then happened with the rat running for his life. The dog ran after the rat and Ron ran after them both. The rat eventually ran under Madame Bones robes and then she was flattened by the rushing Padfoot. Harry and his friends joined in the scramble and continued for another two or three minutes until Dumbledore gave a shout and froze everyone in place with a wave of his wand.

At that second in the chase, Scabbers was standing on one of the curlers on Snape's head and Padfoot was frozen in jumping off the fallen professor's stomach. Dumbledore reached out and picked the old rat up carefully with two fingers and deposited him in a cage he wandlessly created.

Looking at all the frozen figures, Dumbledore sighed rather noisily. Amanda probably would be the most upset so he unfroze her first.

"Was that really necessary Albus?" the head of the DMLE asked.

"I'm not sure Amanda but there's something strange going on."

"Well duh! You think?" Amanda looked around at the general chaos of the infirmary and banished Dumbledore's shoes in retaliation for the freezing spell.

Dumbledore feet immediately grew cold and he banished Madame Bones robe. She grew angry and before the two knew it they both were reduced to their skivvies and wands. If was at that moment the freezing spell wore off everyone else.

Luna, Hermione, Ginny gasped and turned away blushing at the sight of the headmaster just wearing some heavy socks and a pair of loose boxers with a Batman logo across the front. Madame Pomfrey swore and waved her wand conjuring some robes for the headmaster.

Madame Bones was wearing a navy colored panties and bra set when the boys came back to life. Neville squeaked and fainted away immediately and Ron dived under the nearest cot waiting for the demerits he knew were coming. Harry did an about face and found himself nose to nose with a blushing Ginny Weasley. Harry and Ginny looked each other in the eye and tried to stop the laughter from erupting from both of them. They gave it up after thirty seconds and fell into each other's arms, collapsing into a tight ball near Harry's bed.

Severus Snape came to with a large dog bouncing up and down on his stomach and chest. He feebly pushed the dog off of him and collapsed holding his bruised ribs. Harry finally found his voice and called for Padfoot to get off the professor. A slinking dog came back with his tail wagging to lie down next to Ginny and Harry.

Sirius looked around at the sight of everyone either lying about or confused and thought that it was time. He transformed himself back into human form and he was holding a wand on both Dumbledore and Madame Bones.

"Harry, get away from that man; it's Sirius Black!" Madame Bones couldn't do anything with a wand pointed at her. Madame Pomfrey dropped onto the nearest chair in shock. She couldn't get her mind around the fact that Black was here and hadn't done anything to one of her favorite students.

"So what? He's been friendly; he kept me company last night when you all went out drinking."

Madame Bones turned a skeptical eye on Dumbledore. "Drinking?"

"It was also All-You-Can-Eat-Haggis night" came from the doorway. Professor McGonagall was pointing her own wand at Sirius Black's back. Harry, confused, stood up and drew his wand. He wasn't sure what was going on.

"I'm your godfather Harry but they locked me up without a trial."

"He's the person that killed your parents." Snape got to his feet a little unsteadily.

"Liar" Harry said. He pointed his wand at Snape. "Dumbledore told me Voldemort killed my parents."

"But it was…"

"Petrificus Totalus" came a cry from beyond Harry. Professor Snape stiffened up and fell forward on to his face. A few people flinched when they heard the solid crack of his nose breaking.

"Who did that?" Dumbledore asked.

Ron Weasley held his hand up. "I just got tired of hearing the git open his lying mouth. I'll take my punishment now."

"Five points to Gryffindor for advanced spellwork" said Dumbledore. "He is a bit of an irritant isn't he?"

"The person that betrayed the Potters is right there Headmaster in the cage. Peter Pettigrew is an unregistered animagus."

"That's preposterous" Madame Bones said. "Everyone knows you killed him and blasted his body to pieces."

Sirius handed one wand to Harry and watched as he threw it over to Dumbledore. Dumbledore dropped it. "You always were a lousy keeper Albus" came from McGonagall.

Sirius made a complicated wave of his remaining wand at the cage and everyone watched as another transformation took place in the room. Scabbers changed into a short, bald, scruffy looking older person with patchy rough skin and a finger missing.

"That is Peter Pettigrew; I'd know that shifty look anywhere."

Sirius dropped his wand hand at Professor McGonagall's identification but Madame Bones wand rose. Before Peter could say a word he was stunned and had restraining ropes bound about him.

"I'm calling for backup to" Madame Bones waved her wand again and a silver goose formed and went up through the ceiling.

"That was so cool" said Harry.

"That was a patronus Harry. You'll probably get around to having one of your own someday." Sirius had relaxed and sat on one of the cots. Harry eyed him warily and went and sat beside him. "Will somebody please tell me this whole story?"

Although it was going on curfew time, Harry and his friends sat through the long story of his parent's demise and the incarceration of Sirius Black without a trial.

Professor Snape regained consciousness and he was immediately treated for his broken nose by Madame Pomfrey. When he asked who had hexed him, nobody answered him. He threatened to take points from all the students present but Fawkes flamed into the room, grabbed hold of Snape and promptly disappeared.

When Fawkes returned, he flew to Dumbledore's shoulder and made a short trill in the headmasters' ear. "Fawkes has just told me that Professor Snape is long overdue for his swimming recertification so he decided to drop him into the lake and cool off."

While the folks in the infirmary laughed and joked about the Potions Professor, four aurors and the Senior Undersecretary of the Ministry, Delores Umbridge, apparated into Hogsmeade. She had been notified that Sirius Black had been found and the one guilty of causing the death of Harry Potter's family had been captured. She was there to supervise the transfer of the prisoner and make a name of herself in the next Daily Prophet.

The four aurors and she were walking up to Hogwarts when two Dementors came across the group. The Dementors totally surprised everyone. While the aurors tried to defend themselves against the attack, one auror slipped through the spells and attacked Umbridge. The Dementor that attacked her was driven away but not until she had been kissed. The four aurors drove the other Dementors away and made their way to the school. Dumbledore went to the Astronomy tower and increased the wards around the school to destroy the Dementors on contact.

Two days later, Harry was reading the morning paper as he ate his breakfast. Fudge had been convicted of endangering all of magical Britain by turning loose the Dementors and he was banned from returning to the country. A brief memorial service was held for Delores Umbridge and she was quickly forgotten in the scheme of things. The Death Eaters that were left had been rumored to have left the country or gone into deep hiding. Arthur Weasley was elected by the Wizengamot as the next Minister of Magic. Arthur first act as Minister was to banish the Dementors.

Professor Snape never emerged from the lake but the giant squid seemed to have a horrid case of indigestion for about a week. Sirius Black was hired to replace Snape and a lot of unruly wizards and witches transferred to Durmstrang once he had been named the head of Slytherin House.

Harry Potter was frequently a guest in the potion professor's quarters and he found out that he and Ginny Weasley had a lot of joint interests in common. Pranks and broom closets being the foremost.


End file.
